


Did You Forget to Tell Me Something About Smaug?

by orphan_account



Series: A Rather Different Journey [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, You've been warned.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-21
Updated: 2013-04-21
Packaged: 2017-12-09 01:57:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/768636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Smaug is not what he seems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Did You Forget to Tell Me Something About Smaug?

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea where this came from. What I do know is that it was typed and posted on my phone, so forgive me for any grammar or formatting errors.
> 
> That said, have fun!
> 
> I'm terribly sorry if it doesn't make sense. If that happens, I may edit the bejeezes out of it later.
> 
> (In which the entire plot is a cracky mess.)

When Bilbo came back out of the secret door, his face was ashen. "I think," he said in a rather shaky voice, "you had better go in there. I think you'll want to talk to Smaug yourself."

"Are you mad, burglar?" Thorin couldn't believe his ears. "The dragon will roast us alive! If I had known you were going to talk us into a thing like this, had I known you'd throw us to his claws, I'd have left you down below with Bombur."

Bilbo reacted calmly enough, which Thorin had to give him credit for later. "I rather doubt you'll be roasted," he said dryly. Just go in and have a word with the dragon."

Thorin sighed, but went down the passageway, grumbling about mad burglars the entire way. Bilbo followed after him, and the rest of the Company trailed along last, afraid to go, but more afraid to stay in case something went wrong. 

Near the end of the tunnel, the hobbit nudged Thorin out of the way slightly, pushing in front of the King Under the Mountain to announce their arrival to Smaug. 

"Erm...Smaug? I've returned, and brought Thorin. Would you two like to speak?"

It took a moment for the drake to respond, and in the short silence, Thorin took the time to hiss in Bilbo's ear; "You gave the dragon my name?! You truly are mad!"

Bilbo spat back under his breath. "Smaug already knew your name! I reeked of dwarf, apparently, and the very first name Smaug mentioned was yours! I had nothing to do with it."

Thorin grumbled some more and adjusted his belt in the absence of anything else to do.

"Thorin son of Thrain son of Thror! It's been a long time, Master Dwarf," came a resonant voice that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at once. "My, how the years fly! But you don't seem to have changed a bit! What have you been doing all this long, long time?"

"You speak as if you know me, dragon. You and I are not and will never be friends," Thorin boomed back. 

There was a massive clinking of gold on gold, and within a moment, the dragon's head came into view. Thorin's first thought was that it was surprisingly lightly built. He hadn't gotten a good look when Erebor was taken, but he had always imagined a heavier build. "How is that my fault?" Smaug's voice was also higher in pitch than Thorin had realized. Those roars and bellows had been so deep. "You dwarves were the ones that attacked me instead of trying to reason with me. Granted, I was younger, and more foolish at the time, but I might have listened to a handsome thing like you." One great amber eye winked. Was Smaug...flirting with him?

Thorin turned to Bilbo. "What are you not telling me?"

The burglar cleared his throat. "Erm...Thorin, I believe you know of Smaug..."

"Aye," Thorin growled. 

"And you know that dragons are known for their gold lust, begging your pardon, Smaug."

"No offense taken, young hobbit," the dragon practically purred.

"But," Bilbo continued, "did you know that what we have here is a perfectly reasonable dragon? One willing to make room for all the dwarves who wish to return to Erebor...provided you allow her to live in harmony with you?"

"Reasonable? Harmony? Her?!" Thorin spluttered incoherently. 

"Of course I'm reasonable. I'm perfectly willing to co-exist. I believe we can even help each other, Thorin Oakenshield."

"Help each other? How?" 

"All in good time, dear," the dragon(ess) soothed in a low voice. "One question at a time. To begin with 'reasonable,' yes, I am. Quite reasonable, if you'll refrain from trying to attack me. As for 'harmony,' it's something I'm willing to try if you are. In fact, I believe you'll need my aid in a coming battle, but I shouldn't really even have told you that. Don't," Smaug interjected as Thorin opened his mouth. (He snapped it closed again; whether that obedience stemmed from shock or slight fear was uncertain.) "I won't answer anything else about it. As for female, I am indeed, I'll try not to focus on the fact that you assumed I was male, and I'm sure my being female wont be a problem for you." Was that a growl coming from deep in the dragon's chest? "Now. You'd like to keep your hoard to yourself, correct?" Thorin nodded warily, keeping silent. "Let me live here once you restore Erebor, and I shall guard it. I get a home, you get a guard-dragon and the equivalent of a small army. Anything else?"

The dwarf King's words came slowly. "Why did you not try to reason with us in the beginning?"

"Simple," Smaug explained. "We were all young and stupid. You never thought of talking. I never thought of listening. Gold lust was on my mind, and bloodlust was on that of Erebor, once I came swooping in." A look of real regret entered her eyes. "And for that," she continued, "I truly am sorry. You and your people could have been spared so much pain. What else would you ask me, Thorin Oakenshield?" 

A voice piped up from the back. "So...you're not going to eat us?"

Bilbo's hand flew to his face. Kíli...

Something that must have been the dragon equivalent of a smile appeared on Smaug's face. "No, I'm not."

Kíli pondered this. "So much for that old threat, eh, Uncle?" Identical grins stretched over his and Fíli's faces. 

Then the laughter started, and the dancing. And the chanting...and the teasing. Thorin's face turned bright red. "You're hired," he grumbled to Smaug. Are you sure you won't eat them? Just take a snap, I'll look the other way."

The dragon's laughter shook the hall.

**Author's Note:**

> (Also, in which Smaug sounds a bit like Lara Pulver.)
> 
> This is going to be part of a series, but the separate works won't take place in the same universe unless marked. And by no means are they chronological. At all. Ever.
> 
> Ughhhhh, I'm sorry this piece is nonsense!


End file.
